Fallout
by imahistorian
Summary: "No, watching her partner kiss another woman, watching Deeks kiss Nell was not supposed to feel like this." One shot Kensi/Deeks  *Really!*  from Kensi's POV, spoilers for 3x10 "The Debt," companion piece to "Operation Mistletoe" by MioneAlterEgo.


**Title: **Fallout  
><strong>Author: <strong>Mel  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>Not mine. Just some harmless fun.  
><strong>Rating: <strong>T  
><strong>Spoilers: <strong>3x10 "The Debt"  
><strong>AN:** This little story idea came out of a conversation **MioneAlterEgo** and I had after Eric Christian Olsen posted an Instagram photo of Renee Felice Smith on set last week with the caption: "reneefelicesmith discovering in the next script her make-out scene with deeks. She looks excited...right?" Both our minds instantly began whirling with possibilities and we mutually challenged each other to come up with a fic interpretation of that statement. We're calling it our Instagram Challenge! This is mine, and **MioneAlterEgo**'s is the wonderfully fun "**Operation Mistletoe**." And she's my beta too, as usual! Read both to see how two fanfic writers can come up with vastly different ideas to the same cracky idea! Thank you for reading and reviewing if you do!

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><p><em>It was not supposed to feel like this.<em>

The words rang loudly in her head, in a voice Kensi recognized as her own, chastising herself at her reaction. No, watching her partner kiss another woman, watching _Deeks_ kiss _Nell_ was not supposed to feel like this.

Watching him reach up to cradle Nell's head in his hands, his fingers sifting through her short and choppy auburn hair, watching Nell's hands going around his waist and pressing against his lower back was not supposed to make her chest tighten and anger and hurt swell painfully in her lungs. And watching Nell blush, her lips briefly leaving Deeks' to whisper something in his ear that made him laugh—made him laugh in that way Kensi knew so well, as if he just couldn't help it—was not supposed to make her eyes prickle with tears.

"_Kensi, check in."_

Callen's voice in her ear jarred her from her reverie and Kensi shook her head, turning away from the distracting vision of Deeks and Nell kissing like a newlywed couple that couldn't keep their hands off each other.

"I'm here."

"_Everything good?"_

Kensi couldn't help it, her eyes shifted to Deeks, her stomach tightening as his hand went to Nell's, his fingers intertwining with hers where they were rested on the table. Her immediate reaction to Callen's question was a forceful negative, but she pushed that away. There was a mission to concentrate on.

"Everything's good. Deeks and Nell are putting on quite a show. I'm getting ready to make the drop."

Callen's affirmative response and his direction to go ahead had Kensi on the move. She threw back the remainder of her drink, leaving the glass on the bar before she slipped from her stool and walked out of the dining room without a backwards glance at Deeks and Nell. She knew he would follow. It was all part of the plan.

Kensi exited the dining room, walking casually along the railing of the yacht, her eyes fixing on the lights of the mainland off on the distant horizon. She kept walking, satisfied to see the other passengers becoming fewer and fewer as she continued to the stern of the ship. There was a blind spot in the ship's security system just before reaching the stern, which was where Deeks was supposed to meet her.

The mission had been a pretty simple one. A rich L.A. businessman was suspected of terrorist ties and of smuggling stolen Naval technology out of the country and to the Sudan via his buying and selling of precious artwork. NCIS suspected the businessman was using his shipments of paintings and sculptures as a front to move hard drives, computer chips and data packed within the crates. The shipments were packed and rarely inspected since opening them in port was difficult due to insurance demands that the shipments not be disturbed.

The businessman was hosting a New Year's Eve party on his private yacht to show off his most recently acquired artwork. Guests were invited to gawk at expensive art and know that their "donation" to attend the party was going to charity. NCIS suspected his computer system on board had the only record of his illegal dealings. But that system had safeguards on it too difficult to crack any other way than to directly access the system. Security screening to get on board had been intense. Anticipating this, Eric had built a portable computer out of individually innocent cell phones that once linked would work as a system Nell could use to hack into the onboard computer system.

Each of them was carrying one of the cell phones. Kensi knew at this stage Nell would be collecting a phone from Callen, who was posing as a waiter, and Deeks would be collecting a phone from Sam, who was posing as another guest of the party. Then Deeks would find her for the last phone before rejoining Nell and backing her up as she attempted to access the computer system.

Kensi shivered against the December air, the cold air biting sharply as she inhaled. She couldn't deny it bothered her that it was Deeks backing Nell up. And when it had been an easy undercover with him along to watch out for Nell it hadn't bothered her. But when they'd arrived onboard their target had been taken with Nell, so Deeks had quickly adjusted the undercover from a simple date to newlyweds so that Nell would appear as off-limits as possible.

She'd listened to the whole conversation through her earwig. Deeks had made a sound operational decision so that Nell wouldn't be a target. But it also meant they'd stepped up the act too. From Nell simply hanging on Deeks' arm it had turned into them cuddling and smiling at each other, kissing and holding hands. And it had worked. Their target had taken the hint and moved on to greeting other guests.

Deeks was her partner. And Nell had unique skills that Kensi didn't. And rationally Kensi knew it made sense for him to be Nell's backup. Callen was keeping an eye on the party's security for anything suspicious and Sam was watching the crowd. Eric had to stay at Ops so that when Nell began to access the system he could make the external link required to transfer the data. And Kensi knew she needed to be there to help pass along one of the cell phones. But she'd never felt more out of it, useless, and angry at her part of an operation.

Rationally she could explain feeling out of it and useless. She liked being in the thick of things, doing what was needed to get a job done. But even she knew there were times to take a backseat. The anger she had a harder time accepting. And the anger had only started when Deeks had kissed Nell. Knowing that, and making the inevitable leap to understand her reaction, only made her angrier.

Kensi frowned and turned to tuck herself into the blind spot, a recessed portion of the wall barely big enough for her. She was still pondering over what she was feeling, an emotion she didn't want to name, when she heard his footsteps fast approaching, the sound of his dress shoes hitting the wood floor echoing sharply.

She took a deep breath to school her features, closing her eyes as she felt Deeks slide into the recessed wall, the entire front of his body coming into direct contact with hers. And she kept her eyes closed so he wouldn't see the spark of reaction in her eyes at the feeling of his lean body shifting over hers, hips to shoulders.

Her reaction was involuntary and it was unwelcome. She didn't want to feel this way. She didn't want to watch Deeks kiss any other woman, even Nell who was a friend and colleague, and feel as if she wanted to use her for target practice. From a distance of half a mile. With her M24 sniper rifle.

Opening her eyes she also couldn't help the involuntary leap of her heart at the grin Deeks was giving her, his hand going to her waist. She shifted, trying to back away from him, but since there was nowhere to go the movement only served to rub her body against his. And there was no way she could have missed the darkening in Deeks' eyes, and how his grin turned from playful to an intimate smile that she foolishly felt her quickening heart respond to.

"Enjoying the party? And your date? Or should I say wife?" Kensi's words came out sharper than she'd intended and even she could hear the undercurrent of anger in her voice. Internally she winced, but the words were already out. Momentarily distracted by her tone, Deeks cocked his head to the side.

"It's an op, Kensi. Are you saying I should have done something different? I was protecting Nell."

His voice had turned a little irritated at the implication he thought he heard in her tone. Kensi shook his head, immediately angry with herself. These feelings were her problem. She had no right to make Deeks feel bad when he'd done nothing wrong.

"Of course. You're right. I'm sorry."

Stunned, Deeks shifted back a little, then his eyes narrowed and he reached for her chin, his hand lifting her face to look directly into her eyes.

"Now I know something's wrong. You never apologize." Kensi kept her face inscrutable under his watchful gaze, tried to keep her eyes clear of emotion. The suspicion in Deeks' eyes turned to confusion. "You're mad at me."

His tone was full of the confidence that he knew he was right as well as confusion at her reaction. And the examining concern in his eyes just served to make her irritation rise. He'd been much more cautious around her in the last month, much more careful in trying not to make her too angry. And she kind of hated that.

She knew it was because of the fallout from the undercover when he'd been "fired." She hadn't been able to hide her hurt and anger when he'd left, a fact that bothered her even more once she'd known it had all been a ruse. And while before Deeks didn't mind pushing her buttons, even reveled in it on occasion, he'd somehow sensed her hurt had cut much deeper than anyone had been able to predict it would. And he'd pulled back, not wanting to upset the bond of their partnership, suddenly a little frayed and wrung out after being seemingly dissolved.

She didn't want him cautious and careful around her. She didn't want him worried about making her mad or concerned that he'd upset her. She wanted him to be his annoying, argumentative, flirty, cocky self. She wanted her partner back and she wanted things back like they were before. But she couldn't deny she also didn't want him kissing other women. She didn't want him kissing Nell.

Somehow it was different from when she'd watched him undercover as Max Gentry. She'd watched Deeks kiss Nicole Martindale and while it had bothered her at the time, she'd been able to accept it as an undercover that he'd gotten in too deep on. And she'd managed to push aside the uncomfortable feelings back then and be there for her partner.

But something was different now. _He'd_ done something to her in the last few months that made these feelings impossible to ignore. Or she'd allowed herself to start to feel things she swore she never would for her partner. Either possibility made her mad. At him and at herself. She couldn't as easily put her feelings in a safe, compact, and tightly sealed box.

"I'm fine," she shot back, immediately regretting her words when Deeks raised a skeptical eyebrow. She reached into her clutch, pulling out the cell phone and pressing it to his chest over his heart. "Here, take the phone and go."

Although she'd tried to effectively dismiss him, Deeks was suddenly not in a rush to leave. His right hand came up to cover hers on his chest and when she tried to let go of the phone his fingers tightened and kept her hand in place.

And it was all just too much. He was so close and warm, the scent of him filling the air around them, and she could feel the callouses on his hand from how he held his gun. And his eyes, filled with concerned caring.

"Let me go," she whispered, trying to tug her hand away. Deeks shook his head once.

"Nope, not until you tell me what's wrong."

Kensi huffed angrily, looking away from him to try and get control over her roiling emotions. It wasn't the time or place to have this discussion. Deeks needed to get back to Nell and she needed to forget that she was having the feelings she was.

"Just go. Nothing's wrong. Please let me go."

She'd meant her words to come out forceful, to be strong in her conviction and to persuade him nothing was wrong. If she could ignore it, ignore the annoying feeling that had settled over her heart, then maybe she could get Deeks to ignore it too. Since he'd done nothing but _not _push her on the things she didn't want to talk about over the last month she half expected and half dreaded he would do exactly as she thought she wanted. When his mouth formed into a worried frown she knew that her words, that the _please,_ had been her undoing.

She should have known he would pick that moment to suddenly change his tune.

"Not gonna happen, Partner. Come on, Kensi, what's going on—"

"_Is there a reason Nell is alone in the dining room? Deeks, where the hell are you?"_

Callen's sharp words caught their attention and Deeks immediately reached for his earwig, tapping it to activate it.

"On my way, Callen."

Deeks turned to go, slipping from the shadow of the concealed hole in the wall. He paused as he left, giving her one last look that told her even though they'd been interrupted he wasn't going to let it go.

Kensi let her head fall back and hit the metal wall with a loud thud. She couldn't have that conversation with him. No matter how much he pushed it would just make things worse. And even if he wasn't going to let it go she could be just as stubborn and not talk about it.

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><p>It was a few hours after their successful operation and Kensi knew she was hiding. Had been hiding since they'd all returned to Ops. First there had been the easy excuse of a mission debriefing to Hetty and handing over the intel they'd collected. Then she'd retreated to the women's changing rooms, taking her time getting out of the dress and then showering and changing back into her own clothes.<p>

She was pulling her boots on when Nell came into the changing room, giving Kensi a hesitant smile as she went to her own locker to change. Kensi forced herself to smile in return, knowing that Nell didn't deserve the irrational hostility she felt rearing in her chest. But it was all she could do not to react with anger and that just made Kensi even angrier with herself.

It suddenly occurred to Kensi that Nell knew something about Deeks that she didn't. Nell had kissed Deeks. She knew what it was like to have his lips pressed against hers, to feel them shift and touch hers intimately. She knew what it felt like to have that unkempt scruff scrape across her face as his lips moved against hers. Nell knew what it was like to have Deeks' fingers comb through her hair, to have him cup and cradle her face.

Kensi had never kissed Deeks. And while a very large part of her disliked that Nell had kissed him where she hadn't, there was a much larger part of her that just couldn't accept that Nell, that _anyone_, knew things about him that she didn't. Even though it was irrational and crazy, because there were many things Kensi didn't know about Deeks, hadn't experienced with him, it still nearly gutted her that he'd shared something with Nell he hadn't with her.

It was jealously. Pure, irrational, unfair jealousy. And all the more annoying because she could name it, didn't want it anywhere associated with her and Deeks, but she couldn't make it go away.

Needing to be anywhere but where she was, Kensi reached for her jacket, slamming her locker shut behind her. It was only Nell's quick words that stopped her.

"You really don't see it, do you?"

That halted her in her rush to the door. Turning quickly she fixed Nell with narrowed eyes, watching as the younger woman looked a little fearful and yet still squared her shoulders and held her ground.

"What do you mean? What don't I see?"

"That you don't have anything to worry about. That even when he's playing a part or on task during an operation that he's thinking of you. He hides it well. And you hide it well too."

Kensi took a deep breath at Nell's words, her first instinct to deny. Nell seemed to sense it might be her only opportunity to speak on the subject and she forged ahead.

"I don't blame you for feeling—" Nell paused, her mouth beginning to form the word _jealous_ and then she seemed to think better of it. "—what you're feeling. But you should have a little more faith in him, in what he feels for you. I don't need to tell you he's a good guy—"

"No, you don't." Kensi cut Nell off sharply, feeling more than a little possessive about Deeks. It was already at the forefront of her mind, that Nell had insider knowledge about Deeks that she didn't. Nell didn't back down from the harsh tone of Kensi's voice. She lifted her chin, meeting Kensi's eyes directly with her own.

"Then stop treating him like less than he deserves."

Kensi deflated at Nell's accusatory words. She couldn't deny there was truth to the younger woman's words. Again feeling the sting of tears she blinked quickly and nodded at Nell, turning to leave before she revealed even more than she already had.

"And Kensi?" Nell's hesitant voice had Kensi turning back just as she reached the door. Nell offered up a smile, a blush rising to her cheeks. "Not that there was anything there when we kissed, because there wasn't, but you really need to find out what you're missing."

A little stunned that Nell was so bold, all Kensi could do was nod dumbly, unable to deny the fear that coursed through her at the implications of Nell's suggestion.

It wasn't just the possibility of a kiss. It could never just be that simple between her and Deeks. Whatever they might be beyond partners would never have been able to follow the normal path of a relationship. Of course hurt and distrust came before the rewards of a close and intimate physical relationship.

Kensi shook her head, her stomach fluttering with nerves at the possibility of actually trying to figure out whatever was happening, had been happening for more than a year, between her and Deeks. Lifting her head she walked back to the bullpen, searching the area for her partner. She frowned at his empty desk, turning to catch Sam as he passed by her on the way upstairs.

"Where's Deeks?"

Sam shrugged. "He left a little while ago. Said he had someplace to be."

Stung, Kensi felt her mouth drop open slightly in surprise. She expected him to be persistent and want to talk. She expected him to annoy her until she caved. She did not expect him to just leave without talking to her. When they'd first met she probably would have been relieved that he left her alone. But now it left her feeling bereft and a little abandoned.

At her expression Sam gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "It's New Year's Eve, Kensi. I'm sure you'd rather be someplace else too."

Kensi nodded slowly, mustering up a smile for Sam. "Yeah, I'd better get going. Thanks, Sam. See you Monday."

After exchanging greetings with Callen, Kensi left, getting into her car. She sat in the silence, her keys in the ignition but feeling no motivation to go anywhere.

"Someplace else," Kensi muttered to herself, feeling angry with Deeks and with herself. He'd probably had plans to go to a party, maybe meet a girl. Maybe he'd wanted to talk to her but she hadn't given him the chance. She'd hidden and forced him away.

Sighing angrily, her anger melting uncomfortably towards regret and sadness, she started the car and drove home. It would have been easy to be mad at Deeks. But it also would have been unfair. She could have been mad at him for lying to her about being fired but he'd only been following orders. She could be mad at him for kissing Nell but he'd done his job. And she could be mad at him for pushing her to talk and then leaving before she was brave enough to face him. But it wasn't his fault that, when it came to him, in some ways he scared her like nothing else ever had.

Kensi arrived home, figuring that by the time Monday rolled around they would both have had enough space and could move past whatever they'd almost talked about and admitted to each other and could just pretend nothing was wrong. He could stop pushing her to talk and she could stop pretending she didn't want to.

Trudging up the walkway to her apartment, her footsteps tiredly heavy, she stopped short, her hand reaching for the gun at her back at the shadow of a figure sitting at her front door. Her eyes adjusted to the dim light and she breathed a quick sigh of relief when she saw it was Deeks.

He sat with his back at her door, his legs bent so he rested his forearms on his knees. His head was tipped back and his eyes were closed. Kensi thought he might be asleep until a smile curved his lips and he spoke.

"Finally. I thought you were going to hide in that locker room all night."

Because she didn't know how else to respond, Kensi sighed and feigned annoyance at seeing him at her apartment. All the while she was inwardly pleased that of all the places he could have gone on New Year's Eve, he'd come to her apartment. She nudged him with her leg so she could unlock her door.

Deeks rose to his feet, brushing off his jeans and stretching his arms over his head. Kensi gave him a backwards glance, unable to stop the drift of her eyes down to where his shirt rose up to reveal a glimpse of the tanned, firm skin of his stomach. She quickly averted her eyes, feeling the blush rise up her neck.

Suddenly not sure she did want to have the seemingly inevitable conversation with Deeks she turned to block his entrance to her apartment. Deeks gave her an amused glance but relented and paused, resting his hands against the outside doorframe, his posture relaxed and bent towards her. She almost wanted to take a step back from how he invaded her personal space but she stopped herself, not wanting him to see her retreat as a weakness.

"So what's going on, Kensi? Why were you mad at me before?"

She'd been ready to deny or make light of her earlier reaction. If she could do that then maybe they could just hang out as partners, drink some beers, and watch the ball drop at midnight. Anything so they could just not talk about it. But the soft and worried tinge of his voice stopped her. And Nell's earlier words rang in her head.

_Stop treating him like less than he deserves._

And looking at the slightly forlorn expression on his face, the concerned knitting of his eyebrows and the thin line of his lips pressed together, she realized she couldn't let him continue to feel as though she was angry with him. He didn't deserve the messy disaster of her fears and insecurities.

"It's not you, it's me." Kensi cringed at the clichéd words, out of her mouth before she really thought about them. Deeks snorted out an incredulous laugh, casting her a disbelieving look.

"Wow, really? That's the best you can do?"

Kensi sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "Okay, that came out all wrong."

"I'll say. If you wanted to break up with me you should have just said so."

At his words, delivered with a smirk, Kensi shot him an exasperated gaze. "We can't break up, Deeks. We aren't a couple."

"Hey, I was just referring to our partnership. But clearly you were thinking of more. What does that say about you, huh?"

Even though she probably could have stayed mad and frustrated at Deeks and his ability to twist her words, she couldn't stop the smile that tugged at her lips. But even despite the light moment, Deeks zeroed back in to the topic he'd brought up.

"What's really going on with you, Kens? If you're not mad at me then who are you mad at?"

Once again he'd read her better than she wished he would. She froze and watched as his eyes lit with understanding. And she wished he would stop but knew that like the gravitational pull of the sun it was inevitable that he would push forward and pick at her until he had his answer. She was wildly trying to come up with a way to deflect him but Deeks was too fast.

"You. You're made at yourself. Why?"

Kensi shook her head resolutely. "I don't want to talk about it, Deeks."

"Why not?" he persisted. Exasperated, she raised her hands defensively, spreading her hands wide.

"Because you'll just make it a joke, you'll never let me live it down, and I just can't deal with this and you doing that at the same time."

Deeks' eyes turned seriously and he leaned closer. "Whatever it is, I promise you: No jokes. And you get a pass. You can say it and I won't ever bring it up again."

Kensi studied him closely, looking for any sign of dishonesty and finding nothing but truth and assurance in the clear depths of his blue eyes. Wondering if she might be a little insane, she inhaled a deep breath and took a leap of faith. It was faith she knew he deserved even while making the leap terrified her.

"Watching you with Nell earlier this evening." At his answering nod she continued. "It was hard for me. I know it made sense for the mission. But I didn't like it. I didn't like seeing you with her. And I know we have what we have. Which is why I didn't like my reaction."

Deeks was quiet for a moment, mulling over her words. His serious eyes turned slightly incredulous. "You were what? Jealous? Of me with Nell?"

Feeling incredibly vulnerable, Kensi looked down, fixing her eyes on their feet on the ground. They were standing so close that one of his feet was between hers, the worn brown leather of the toe of his boot resting against her heel. She nodded once, letting the silence confirm what she wasn't brave enough to say, even with the trusting guarantee he'd given her.

"You don't need to be jealous, Kensi. Of Nell or anyone."

She sighed after his words, not missing the warmth there but knowing that the usual reassurances about how he was her partner, how he trusted her to watch his back and how he would always be there for her were all she could expect.

Which was why when his head dipped to hers, his mouth nudging hers up so he could kiss her fully, she almost reeled back in surprise. What little air she had in her lungs she exhaled quickly in shocked surprise. When his hand went to her waist, his fingers curling around the curve of her hip she responded by bending her body towards him, one hand clutching at the front of his shirt and the other going to cup his neck. She let her fingers sift through the hair at the nape of his neck, softer than it looked.

Kensi breathed deeply through her nose, not wanting to break the connection of their lips. Aside from his hand at her waist and his other hand which stole up to cradle her head close, his fingers gentle in her hair, their lips were the only other contact.

Kissing Deeks was like nothing she could have guessed. There was heat in the press and movement of his mouth on hers. But the tenderness was unexpected. He kissed her as if he couldn't imagine doing anything else, as if all that mattered was that moment. The singular focus was a surprise that there was no rush towards something else, towards whatever else could be. It made her stomach drop pleasantly and her balance swayed. Deeks responded quickly, his arms going around her and holding her against his chest.

She gripped his shoulders, keeping her eyes closed as she panted for breath, feeling the answering exhalation of his breath on her lips. He smelled and tasted like coffee and peppermint. She latched on to that, breathing deeply for a few seconds before she opened her eyes, finding Deeks watching her with barely contained wonder. The smile that lit his face as she raised her dazed eyes to his was her answer.

She didn't need to be afraid of whatever there was between them. And she didn't need to worry about what they didn't yet have. Because looking at him, his eyes full of only her, she knew they had far more than she'd suspected. And it was as much a surprise to him as it was to her. But she knew with absolute certainly, which was confirmed by his hand holding her firmly at the waist and his other hand drifted lightly up and down her arm, that it was as welcome to him as it was to her.

"Nell was right," Kensi whispered. Deeks looked at her quizzically, momentarily confused by the non sequitur. She laughed then, the sound bubbling up from deep in her chest. "I really was missing something."

Kensi's laughter deepened as she saw Deeks blush at the words and implication of what Nell might have said to Kensi. Deeks embarrassed wasn't something that happened everyday and Kensi grinned, not able to hide her appreciation of the moment.

Feeling bold, Kensi leaned closer to return Deeks' earlier gesture of reassurance by kissing him gently, telling him with her lips that he was safe and secure with her. Deeks smiled against her mouth, then pulled back a little to smile softly.

"I'm not about to argue with logic like that."

And with that, Deeks leaned down again to capture her mouth with his, letting her tug him gently into her apartment, the door shutting with a resounding thud behind them.

END


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